Ride the wave...

Right now I am just riding that wave of emotions. Funny, when I logged in just now and saw my last post it was kind of ironic to me. Last time I was singing the praises of my old teachers...tonight I am sad and very heavy hearted wondering what exactly I should do and just how much damage did the school do to my child last year. Breaks my heart into a million pieces. 

I don't truly even know where to begin with it all. When we first moved here we did so with five weeks left in the school year so the school could "get to know" Little Bit and know where best to place him. That was the beginning of this nightmare journey I am now on and have been for the last two years and a half years.

I think the thing that truly gets me the most is how in the world could anyone do this kind of thing and not see how wrong it is?

While scrolling through my Facebook feed tonight, a gal I know posted this article.  http://www.disabilityscoop.com/2014/11/11/claim-sped-caged/19840/

I cried. First, because I can't imagine anyone doing that to children. Second, because in a way, this is what the school has been doing to my own child. Totally and positively breaks my heart. Now I just have to decide what to do about it.

I can do this!

Some days (well, most days lately to be honest), I truly feel God has way more faith in what I am capable of than I do. I wonder often how he thinks I am so strong when I feel so totally and positively weak. 

One of my favorite poems has always been Footprints in the Sand. I feel like for so much of this last year or more there has just been that one set in the sand. And I do often wonder if I will ever have those two sets again anytime again soon. 

One Night I Had a Dream....

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life. This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.

Some days...

Some days I truly just want to smack him. I mean seriously? It's the same old song and dance nearly every day. I try so hard to be patient and pray that some day he will actually "get" his children. I see a glimmer of hope here or there. But for the most part, it's just frustration and sadness for me. I want to believe that some day it will all change. One day he will figure it out. But sadly, days like this make me think that is never going to happen. I mean, come on, our kids are 7 years old now, and he still doesn't get it. Is he ever going to? Truly, truly breaks my heart.

One of the biggest problems we have is how he speaks in front of the boys. Ok, let me give you an example. He tells them to do something (or more often NOT to do something) and they don't listen. He continues whatever he is doing (usually his iPad or phone), while continuing to tell them from across the room what to do. Doesn't matter how many times or in how many different ways I have explained to him that you have to walk over to them and usually touch their shoulder or something, he still continues to do it his way. So then they don't listen, he gets mad, throws a fit and then says something like, "Fine, you never listen to me anyway." or "Why should I even bother, you don't listen to me anyway." Well, if you constantly said that to me I wouldn't listen either! He is just reinforcing their behavior in so many ways. But he doesn't want any advice from me. As a matter of fact, often it feels he is hell bent on doing just the opposite of whatever I say will work. I'm sorry, but I can only take so much. I don't have the energy any longer to try to tip toe around his needs constantly. My children have enough special needs as it is, and let me tell you, basically none of my needs are being met. I have to start truly taking care of myself so that I can do what is needed around here. Because right now, the constant roller coaster with him is making me sick...literally. Tonight I am so sick at my stomach I can hardly take it. I can't continue to get physically ill because of his attitude. It's just not worth it. I can't control anything except my own thoughts. And try as I may, even controlling those on days like today is tough. But I have to continue to get better at it and keep growing. Because I see what a difference something as little as an attitude can effect my children's behavior. So for now I will just continue to pray. A lot.