Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Looking back

The last several days have been full of opportunities for me to look back on things in life. Many different thing from my childhood to last week. It has been very interesting to me looking back on things while at this particular stage in life. I have changed so much these last few years especially, and it is kind of like looking at someone else's life at times. A very strange feeling to say the least.

Hmm, how far back to go I go this one? About 3-4 years ago I read a book that kind of started this entire shift in my life. Everything Matters, Nothing Matters by Gina Hillier truly was my turning point I so desperately needed. It's funny, the main thing I remember about this book at the moment is how it helped me learn to truly meditate. Oh, I had tried many times over to meditate, clear my mind, and let my thoughts go. Never worked. Not once. And at times I just fell asleep! But while reading this book it gave me a new way of looking at meditating and I was able to finally figure it out. Still amazes me how something so very simple has made such a profound impact on my life. I have pulled the book out again recently with the intention of reading it again soon. But as usual I have a huge stack of books I have found I want to read lately. My motto...you can never have too many books!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Crazy days and Mondays always get me down...

Oh wait, isn't that supposed to be rainy days?

So very much is going on and I feel like my head is spinning most of the time. Thankfully at least this time it isn't literally like it has been in the past. Ha! Where to even begin? I guess I will just start where I am at this particular moment in time and take it from there.

Right now I am a little mad, frustrated, irritated, and even smug. Why? What are any of those emotions trying to teach me? That is what I am trying to figure out.

The day started off just fine for a Monday morning. Got the boys off to school with minimal craziness (at least for us), came home, got dressed, was actually getting things accomplished around the house and THEN....the phone rang. Yep, it was the school. I didn't even see it coming. How stupid could I be???? I should have saw this coming miles away!

I mentioned the whole fighting with the school thing. Well, they are obviously going to do everything in their power to keep things in check and also to prove their point. I get that. BUT, again I am back to not understanding this whole thing about me not being in the building. Ugh. Guess I will have to cover that in the next post. Because actually, this evening that isn't even what is really bothering me.

So, of course after that call, I go into Mama Bear mode and start really getting things crossed off my to do list. Good and bad from the afternoon was I found out a huge pile of paperwork I was attempting to complete was actually out of date and would have been useless, but bad is that I have to fill this paperwork out yet again...twice (one for each child). So, add that to my little frustration list for the moment.

Ok, this is what got me though. Why can't I just let this go and be happy? Here goes. My husband has been less than supportive on this whole journey with the kids and my own health issues. He is trying at least now, but this is what is getting to me. Yesterday he wanted to take the boys to this special needs soccer thing. Hey, I am all for it. I have tried several times in the past to get him to go and he never would. But this time, HE is the one who sought it out so of course we HAD to go do it. Ok, I am trying really hard to be supportive of his little steps he is taking.

But the real kicker for me is that everything since yesterday afternoon has revolved around him and this soccer thing yesterday. How much the boys loved it. He keeps asking the boys about it. Like asked Hurricane repeatedly if he showed off any of his new soccer moves at school today even though Hurricane didn't think twice about soccer today. I really want to support my husband and be happy he is finally trying to understand. Really. But the thing that pushed me over the edge tonight was after the boys went to bed. Husband made the comment that Hurricane was rather calm this evening. I said yes and mentioned how great he did this afternoon with Little Bit. How he even told Little Bit that they needed to talk out their problems. I was so proud of him. So Husband says, I wonder if the soccer had anything to do with his big change. WHAT???????? Seriously? I just wanted to make an extremely sarcastic remark about how yes, that must have been what they needed, to kick a soccer ball around for an hour with some other special needs kids. Now all their problems are solved and we will have the answer for world peace soon because of it. Ugh!

So how do I get past this? How do I make myself find what this is trying to teach me from this experience? Because right now, the steam coming from my ears is kind of making it a little hard to think logically.