Some days...

Some days I truly just want to smack him. I mean seriously? It's the same old song and dance nearly every day. I try so hard to be patient and pray that some day he will actually "get" his children. I see a glimmer of hope here or there. But for the most part, it's just frustration and sadness for me. I want to believe that some day it will all change. One day he will figure it out. But sadly, days like this make me think that is never going to happen. I mean, come on, our kids are 7 years old now, and he still doesn't get it. Is he ever going to? Truly, truly breaks my heart.

One of the biggest problems we have is how he speaks in front of the boys. Ok, let me give you an example. He tells them to do something (or more often NOT to do something) and they don't listen. He continues whatever he is doing (usually his iPad or phone), while continuing to tell them from across the room what to do. Doesn't matter how many times or in how many different ways I have explained to him that you have to walk over to them and usually touch their shoulder or something, he still continues to do it his way. So then they don't listen, he gets mad, throws a fit and then says something like, "Fine, you never listen to me anyway." or "Why should I even bother, you don't listen to me anyway." Well, if you constantly said that to me I wouldn't listen either! He is just reinforcing their behavior in so many ways. But he doesn't want any advice from me. As a matter of fact, often it feels he is hell bent on doing just the opposite of whatever I say will work. I'm sorry, but I can only take so much. I don't have the energy any longer to try to tip toe around his needs constantly. My children have enough special needs as it is, and let me tell you, basically none of my needs are being met. I have to start truly taking care of myself so that I can do what is needed around here. Because right now, the constant roller coaster with him is making me sick...literally. Tonight I am so sick at my stomach I can hardly take it. I can't continue to get physically ill because of his attitude. It's just not worth it. I can't control anything except my own thoughts. And try as I may, even controlling those on days like today is tough. But I have to continue to get better at it and keep growing. Because I see what a difference something as little as an attitude can effect my children's behavior. So for now I will just continue to pray. A lot.